It's been another slow day at work, meaning I didn't make enough money to enable me to go out tonight, as I normally would. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that there are at least a couple people who would be disappointed if I didn't follow my normal routine.
Normal routine... isn't that what I said I wanted to change? ...
Looks like I'm staying in.
I hope.
Friday, July 12, 2013
The story thus far...
A long time ago, in a ga - ok, no. Sorry.
Hello, world. My name is... you can call me Chuck. I'm 31, single, male, and living an hour outside Chicago. I've lived in this area my whole life. My parents moved around various towns just outside of Chicago proper before settling in Berwyn (BeerrrrwwwwYYYYynnn! ... people from Chicago will understand that) to raise my 2-year-younger brother and myself. I'm not quite sure on the details - I was just over 2 at the time - but it ended up that we lived in a one-story home with an attic and a basement. The basement was occupied by my paternal grandmother, who has lived with my parents ever since.
One night as we're getting home from an outing somewhere, my grandmother got mugged. She was the last one in from the car to the house, and some kid ran up and stole her purse. Well, that was it for Berwyn. We looked at various homes within a small distance; I can remember liking a farm-style home in Iowa or somewhere like that, but they settled on Plainfield, which was then a small town, being a good distance outside the city.
I just want to touch on something here... I was a very popular kid in my neighborhood and school in Berwyn. We were only two weeks into second grade when we moved, but I remember being a hero of sorts in the eyes of my peers, standing up to bullies, making my teachers and fellow students laugh, being on a first name basis with the principal at school (when I say "hero", think more Huck Finn than Superman). All that disappeared when we moved, of course, and it changed the course of my life.
I was an instant outcast. The kids here didn't seem to be very welcoming of outsiders - or at least, of me. I eventually fell in with two groups: the other outcasts, and the bad kids. Being friends with the troublemakers does, of course, lead one to getting into trouble and doing things which aren't necessarily conducive to acquiring an education, such as sliding eraser race cars along the floor during lessons or looking at the teacher's book when her back is turned and then lying about it.
But I digress. What's important to take away from that is, while I ended up being friends with almost everyone, I was never again really accepted into the kind of life I might have had if we hadn't moved. I don't regret the life I've lived, but I wish I could have known a life in the city, where I started.
Fast forward a couple decades, and I'm in my 20s, working dead-end jobs, just kind of coasting through life. I didn't finish high school - my parents asked me if I wanted to go anymore, I said no, and that was that. I didn't bother getting my GED until... 27? I've moved out a couple times, but ended up moving back after those arrangements didn't work out. Basically, I've never taken any sort of initiative in my life. I'm a senior in college at the moment, but I didn't even do that - it was my mom who pushed me, got me the phone number, etc. Yes, it was I who chose the school, went through the application process, etc., but my motivation was not internal.
Ok, so now we're getting to it - up to now has been getting to know me (that didn't take long...). The "it" I refer to is the point of this blog, which is to chronicle the change I intend to exact upon my life. You see, I have inherited... a mess, literally. And there are plans for me to acquire more. ... hmmm.. ok.
My mother has... taken a leave of absence for an indeterminate amount of time. She's gone, basically. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but that is a story for another time. The people living in this house now are my grandmother, my father, my youngest brother, and myself. None of the first three are capable of cleaning, for various reasons; my grandmother is physically incapable, and my father and brother just don't know how. So, I've become the dishwasher/room cleaner/etc., by default.
The problem is, I'm sort of lazy, so things only get done only when they need to be done. It didn't start like that, of course. I was on the ball when it first happened, and my dad jokingly called me a "haus frau", which I threatened to box his ears for if he ever did again. Then I started letting things go, procrastinating, delegating... and it's gotten to a point where I either need to fix it, or accept mediocrity.
That's changing, though. I'm taking my life in a new direction. I just hope I find the strength within myself to affect the changes I want, because it's not just about not being lazy or keeping a clean house. It's about being the person I know I can be, so that I can feel like I deserve the things I want to achieve. And by that, I mean... well, for example, there is a woman I love, but I've never had the courage to express that to her - and the few times I've even attempted to do so were such pathetic failures that I wish I could erase them from history. On top of that, I don' t have anything to offer her. I'm tens of thousands in debt (mostly in student loans), I'm still working a nothing job, I'm living with my immediate family (and my father wants to sell me the house in a few years), and there are other things... but these are things that are going to change.
I feel I am able to exact the sorts of changes I desire. Getting oneself out of a rut can be difficult, though. I've tried many times in the past, and I always fall back into old habits. We shall see.
Hello, world. My name is... you can call me Chuck. I'm 31, single, male, and living an hour outside Chicago. I've lived in this area my whole life. My parents moved around various towns just outside of Chicago proper before settling in Berwyn (BeerrrrwwwwYYYYynnn! ... people from Chicago will understand that) to raise my 2-year-younger brother and myself. I'm not quite sure on the details - I was just over 2 at the time - but it ended up that we lived in a one-story home with an attic and a basement. The basement was occupied by my paternal grandmother, who has lived with my parents ever since.
One night as we're getting home from an outing somewhere, my grandmother got mugged. She was the last one in from the car to the house, and some kid ran up and stole her purse. Well, that was it for Berwyn. We looked at various homes within a small distance; I can remember liking a farm-style home in Iowa or somewhere like that, but they settled on Plainfield, which was then a small town, being a good distance outside the city.
I just want to touch on something here... I was a very popular kid in my neighborhood and school in Berwyn. We were only two weeks into second grade when we moved, but I remember being a hero of sorts in the eyes of my peers, standing up to bullies, making my teachers and fellow students laugh, being on a first name basis with the principal at school (when I say "hero", think more Huck Finn than Superman). All that disappeared when we moved, of course, and it changed the course of my life.
I was an instant outcast. The kids here didn't seem to be very welcoming of outsiders - or at least, of me. I eventually fell in with two groups: the other outcasts, and the bad kids. Being friends with the troublemakers does, of course, lead one to getting into trouble and doing things which aren't necessarily conducive to acquiring an education, such as sliding eraser race cars along the floor during lessons or looking at the teacher's book when her back is turned and then lying about it.
But I digress. What's important to take away from that is, while I ended up being friends with almost everyone, I was never again really accepted into the kind of life I might have had if we hadn't moved. I don't regret the life I've lived, but I wish I could have known a life in the city, where I started.
Fast forward a couple decades, and I'm in my 20s, working dead-end jobs, just kind of coasting through life. I didn't finish high school - my parents asked me if I wanted to go anymore, I said no, and that was that. I didn't bother getting my GED until... 27? I've moved out a couple times, but ended up moving back after those arrangements didn't work out. Basically, I've never taken any sort of initiative in my life. I'm a senior in college at the moment, but I didn't even do that - it was my mom who pushed me, got me the phone number, etc. Yes, it was I who chose the school, went through the application process, etc., but my motivation was not internal.
Ok, so now we're getting to it - up to now has been getting to know me (that didn't take long...). The "it" I refer to is the point of this blog, which is to chronicle the change I intend to exact upon my life. You see, I have inherited... a mess, literally. And there are plans for me to acquire more. ... hmmm.. ok.
My mother has... taken a leave of absence for an indeterminate amount of time. She's gone, basically. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but that is a story for another time. The people living in this house now are my grandmother, my father, my youngest brother, and myself. None of the first three are capable of cleaning, for various reasons; my grandmother is physically incapable, and my father and brother just don't know how. So, I've become the dishwasher/room cleaner/etc., by default.
The problem is, I'm sort of lazy, so things only get done only when they need to be done. It didn't start like that, of course. I was on the ball when it first happened, and my dad jokingly called me a "haus frau", which I threatened to box his ears for if he ever did again. Then I started letting things go, procrastinating, delegating... and it's gotten to a point where I either need to fix it, or accept mediocrity.
That's changing, though. I'm taking my life in a new direction. I just hope I find the strength within myself to affect the changes I want, because it's not just about not being lazy or keeping a clean house. It's about being the person I know I can be, so that I can feel like I deserve the things I want to achieve. And by that, I mean... well, for example, there is a woman I love, but I've never had the courage to express that to her - and the few times I've even attempted to do so were such pathetic failures that I wish I could erase them from history. On top of that, I don' t have anything to offer her. I'm tens of thousands in debt (mostly in student loans), I'm still working a nothing job, I'm living with my immediate family (and my father wants to sell me the house in a few years), and there are other things... but these are things that are going to change.
I feel I am able to exact the sorts of changes I desire. Getting oneself out of a rut can be difficult, though. I've tried many times in the past, and I always fall back into old habits. We shall see.
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